Confess, repent, redeem

Forgive me Internet, for I have sinned.

I made you a promise and I have gone back on that promise. On April 1, 2012 I quit smoking and told you all about it. By the fall of the same year, I was smoking again. Many people do not know because I hid it for so long. I was ashamed, and that was the point.

There are many reasons to quit. It is terribly unhealthy, it is a stupid extra cost to add to a budget, and in this day and age most people find it – and you – disgusting. However, at the end of the day, the best and most motivating reason is because so many people I care about want me to not smoke.

That blog post, in my mind, was the single most important tool I had when quitting. The support and encouragement were great. The fear of judgment and disappointment even greater.

But, I need it all that help and support all over again. I was afraid that the blog post idea was a one shot deal – that I couldn’t go back to the well again. But, I really do want to quit once and for all and I’m willing to admit to all of you that I relapsed to help make sure it that this time it sticks.

Tomorrow, Monday, March 18th, I will not smoke anymore. Forgive my sins, dear Internet. Please, show me the way.

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On Being Southern, a Boy Scout, a Methodist, and a Liberal

Identity is a difficult thing. You nourish yourself; you strive for education, experience, and perhaps an adventure. These choices change you and shape you. But who you really are is what finds you. You imagine you have put yourself in this place, but the reality is that where you come from, whom you were born to, and what was placed in front of you is what shapes who you are at your core. That these things can conflict is not design, it is inevitable. Continue reading

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Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obidient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent

I am a former Assistant Scoutmaster, Senior Patrol Leader, Order of the Arrow Chapter Chief, Life Scout, Vigil Honor Member, and Scout Camp Staffer. I love the Boy Scouts, and I always will. The Boy Scouts have made me who I am today, but I am not able to say that with the pride I once did.

There was a time when I defended the Boy Scouts policy banning homosexuals. It didn’t matter, I contended, because there were plenty of homosexuals in the Boy Scouts and no one cared. One of my closest friends was gay, and no one cared.

My friend, whom I lost touch with, changed my mind. Go, read, then come back.

I cried when I read that. Not because I was wrong, but because something that was so near and dear to me had done such evil. The Boy Scouts need to change. Kenny points out some reasons why they haven’t – particularly the relationship with the Mormon Church – but Kenny also has hope.

He’s right, all is not lost. Below is a letter written by an very active adult scouter. He is also a very important member of the Atlanta business community. He has given me permission to reprint his letter to the Atlanta Area Council. Here is hoping that more letters like this and groups like this can make some progress.

Continue reading

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30 for 30

So I hit that milestone. And, yes, I did do some thinking. Rather than tell you everything I thought, here is what occurs to me would be an appropriate soundtrack for the last 30 years. Some of these songs remind me of people, some of places, and some of times. It is not a list for taste nor quality – except the quality of the lessons, memories, and stories of the past three decades.

Enjoy. Continue reading

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Day one: Choose life

This sucks.

You  may have heard that quitting smoking is difficult.

It’s like having the flu. You aren’t actually nauseous, but you think you are. You aren’t actually aching, but you think you are. You want to curl up in a ball and pretend that the world is about to end. The worst part, though, is that you know deep down you can make it all stop if you just walk across the street and give the clerk his blood money. Just one cigarette and it’s all over. Just one drag and it all stops. Just. One.

Marching on . . . .

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They say you should tell everyone

I really like me, but it is time for a change.

I have sculpted me for the past 29 years to be a balance of essentially the guy who makes his bed every morning and the guy who has a perpetual five-o-clock shadow. I like my complexities and contradictions. I think that make me interesting. You may not. Your problem, not mine.

I am going to change, though.

If you asked someone to describe me I imagine in the first minute or so they would mention that I am a smoker. I had my first cigarette when I was 12. I have been a “smoker” by any reasonable definition since I was 16 – a time period I can now nearly measure in decades. For anyone who knows me, they know it is a defining part of me.

I do not just smoke. I am a smoker.

But that needs to change. The hardest part of quitting for me is not the addiction – although that is difficult. It is removing the label “smoker” from myself, as well as the deep roots that label has put down.

No more smoke filled rooms.

No more cigarettes on 3rd and long.

No more cigarettes ashing on the keyboard as a type.

No more traffic jam smoke-a-thons.

Cup of coffee. Only.

Glass of bourbon. Only.

Sunny day and a beer on the patio. Only.

While I’m fishing, it’s just me and the lake. When I finish a hike, it’s just me and the view.

When I wake up Monday morning, I will look the same, sound the same, act the same. My values will be the same. My accomplishments will be the same. My failures will be the same. However, I will be a very different person.

I will no longer be a smoker.

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meta notes

First, many apologies to the shocking number of people who still stop by here and have found no new content. I hope to change that shortly.

Second, tonight I’ll have a personal post up. You are warned in advance and encouraged to ignore it. It is more for me than it is for anyone else.

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